One year ago today

Was hands down the worst day of my life.

That's probably not something you would think one would want to reflect on.

One year ago today I saw my baby sick. Very sick. The few days leading up to this day was not fun at all. Daily visits to the doctor and sleepless nights on the couch frantically trying to be the judge on if my new, just weeks old baby, was breathing. Did she look blue? Where her breaths regular? Did she sound wheezy? At 3:00 in the morning trying to watch for these signs was a nightmare. A living nightmare. I don't recall her showing any of these signs, but I am pretty positive I had all of them.

One year ago today, I was told that she had been fighting so hard and now she is just tired, so tired. She tried so hard to stay healthy and she just can't do it anymore.

Looking back at this now, I think they probably should have worded this better or differently. What would you have taken it as? That is why it was the worst day ever. Looking back, I think they meant she needed more care, specialty care. Up until not too long ago did I come to this realization. You don't say something like that to a new mother who's hormones are already in a tizzy and can loose it at the drop of a dime by anything on a good day.

Luckily for me now, I don't live by the Children's Hospital. Every time I do drive by I get knots in my stomach.

It all makes me SO grateful for healthy happy kids. Ada has yet to have any complications from the RSV and (knock on wood) hopefully will never experience any.

Life is so sweet and short. Too short for some. There has been a lot of people in my life and stories I have come across lately of such heart ache. I can't imagine. It makes me that much more thankful and grateful for all of the love in our little family and for and from our family and friends.

It puts things into perspective. Greatly. What is really important.

That is why I feel the need to reflect on it. I can think and feel what I felt those 4 days in the hospital with my tiny, helpless baby hooked up to all of that stuff, and oxygen dependent. I remember just sitting in the chair next to the bed she was on almost scared to touch her. So scared that the tiniest touch would harm her in some way. I wasn't allowed to nurse her for a whole day or maybe even more, I can't remember. I just remember the moment the nurse came in and told me it was OK to try to nurse. My baby so warm in my arms. Full of love. So much love. Feeling her move against my body reassured me everything was going to be OK. Now being able to look at my big girl 1 year old, definitely not sick. So much personality and spunk. Oh so thankful.

You can read more about Ada's poor baby sickness here and here.